One Second


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They say life is made out of choices. That life is nothing but choices. From the simple choice between eggs or sausage or both for breakfast, to the greater choices in life: which study to follow, which career, getting married or not, children or not, taking care of your parents...

There is always a choice. That much is for certain. Always. A. Choice. I don't think I was really aware of it all the time, though. I used to believe in fate. I still do, mind you. Fate is what brings people together. Fate is what is being placed on the path in your life, fate is what makes...no, forces you to choose. And there is always a choice. Always.

Not that it is easy. I am not the first one who doubted his choice, not knowing whether it was the right one or not. Even I have wished more than once that I could turn back time, that I could track back to the choice I made, and change it. Things are hard, life is hard, and there is no certainty in life but death. Pretty pessimistic, huh? I don't think it is, however. It's being realistic, and even though I had my fair share in life of anything but realistic, it still is the simple truth.

You never know it was the right choice until the events unfold, I suppose, and even then, things can still go wrong. Fatalistic? Maybe. I have lots of time to contemplate, you know. Time...is not of any importance here. I have all the time in the world. I can think about it as long as I want to, as often as I want to, or not. What is a right choice anyway? You decide about something, and hope it is for the best. When it turns out to be wrong or bad, you can cry and have regrets. And start all over again.

I never hesitated. Not for one second. I knew who and what I was going to leave behind. I knew who I was going to disappoint, going to anger, going to leave in tears. Jounouchi, Anzu. Jii-chan. Kaa-san. All of my friends, my family. I didn't hesitate for one second, when I was offered the choice.

Sometimes I think I didn't have a choice after all. At that moment, when the last attack cleared, his life points were at zero and his field was empty, the choice had already been made. Not for me, but by me. I never wanted to let him go. I never forget how he walked over to me, accepting his defeat as he walked; upright, confident. To him, it was fate. To me, it was bad luck. I never meant to win the duel. I never wanted to let him go. His hands on my shoulders when I was crying like a kid, gods, how he said he wasn't Yuugi any more. Indeed, he wasn't. He was...he is Atemu, and he is my other half.

I don't have regrets. I don't feel sorry. The only tears I cried were out of fear of losing him. To see him go through that door, returning to the world he had left behind. I heard others cry, but I couldn't understand their tears. They were losing a good friend; I was losing my other half. My life. He wasn't even gone yet and I felt already torn apart, physically, mentally.

When he helped me back onto my feet, he whispered the choice to me. He knew what I would have to leave behind, he knew who and what I was going to give up. His eyes were sad, but accepting- he would accept every decision I made, as he had always done. The once Pharaoh, once reduced to fall onto his very knees after losing, once humiliated and defiled as to reconcile him with his darkness within, once the ruler of one the world's greatest nations of all time, commanding armies, people, a Kingdom...he was waiting for my decision and I saw the question in his eyes.

That might be the only time in my life that I simply didn't have a choice. Yes, I know I'm contradicting myself, leave me be. It's not like I'm the same anymore anyway...have I ever been the same, the moment I put the Puzzle together and our souls were infused? I breathe him. I whisper his name every night; in passion, in happiness, in grief. I lost and I won, in that very same second. I lost my life and won my soul.

I know he's standing behind me. He loves to watch me, every moment of the day and night. His eyes follow me, his voice floats towards me; he touches me whenever he can. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. I couldn't leave him, and I saw it, written all over his face, while he was holding up a brave smile for me. My strong, wise, brave Pharaoh. My lips curl into a smile when I feel his hands on my shoulders. He knows when to speak, and knows when not to. This is a moment of peaceful silence, and he leaves me be.

As the gate opened and the others were crying out, the tensions and grief already running high, I moved towards him. To hell with duelling. To hell with everyone else. Yes, I said that, me, the one who values friendship more than anything. I loved them all, I still do- but they would never, ever be able to take his place. They would remind me of him everyday, unconsciously, without knowing, remind me of what had happened, what I lost. I didn't win that stupid duel. I lost so much when I announced the final attack. I stayed up all night to devise a strategy against his God Cards, and I knew it would work- and when it did work, I wished I hadn't played it that way.

I can't help the small shiver; his fingers always have the same effect on me; I want more. More of him. More of his smile, his laughter, his touch, his voice. I'm barely aware that I'm tilting my head already, for him to stroke my neck and bury his fingers in my hair. I simply couldn't have left him. He was about to be reunited with his friends, his Priests, his memories, everything. He had won his life back and I had lost...so when he asked me silently to share it with him, the choice had already been made. Sometimes...sometimes I think I would've followed him without asking. Just the look in his eyes. Crimson, vibrant eyes holding and showing me everything that I needed: warmth, hope, love, life. Life beyond the gate. A life together.

No regrets. His hand is in my hair, sifting through the strands, one finger tracing the outline of my ear. To this day, whatever day that may be, he is still amused by me wearing earrings. Not as large as his own, but still...they're pretty large, and he likes to see me wearing them. A pair of earrings was the first of the many presents he gave to me; so much more that I could ever return. Every second, every minute, every moment, is a present, a gift from the gods. I'm willing to believe in everything; fate, destiny, gods, if only to be with him...if only to have this to never end.

I need him. More than being with my mother. More than being with my grandfather. More than being with my friends. I love them all to death and I would do anything for them- I would die for them. In some way, I did. I took his hand and turned my back on them, to walk to the gate, to walk through the gate. When I have a nightmare, it is about them and their crying voices, calling for me to get back, to stop walking...to stop walking and then what? Let him go? To not feel his touch anymore, not now, not ever? To not look in his eyes, to not feel his lips on mine, to not feel the wonderful embrace of his arms, to not see his face, his smile to me?

Their cries haunt me, yes. Maybe that is the only thing I regret. I didn't see their faces, as I was looking at him, whispering 'yes' all over- yes, I would follow him, yes, I would share eternity with him, yes, gods, please, yes...I heard Anzu scream, I heard Jounouchi yell, I heard Honda cry...I didn't hear my jii-chan. His voice had always been soft, and maybe, more than probably, he was too overwhelmed by the moment to protest. Or did he know...or had he always known that when he gave me the Puzzle, I would be faced with this choice? I don't think so...I don't think that even he could ever imagine how it was going to end. Not in my wildest dreams I could've imagine it myself. Their voices - Yuugi, don't go!-, are only in my darkest dreams, my most vivid nightmares. But even then, when I wake up, panting for air and crying, he's there, taking me into an embrace, hushing me, consoling me.

Funny how I don't even remember the gate closing. It cut off everything- the sound of their voices, the way back, my life. All I remember is the light, the beautiful golden light that enveloped us. I saw the brilliant smile on his face, his posture so relaxed and at ease, as I had never seen him before. The Pharaoh had returned and he was complete- and that was all I needed to know. He squeezed my hand a little, as his Priests started to approach him, exclaiming their joy and happiness to see him again. Nobody asked me where I had come from or what I was doing, holding the hand of their beloved Pharaoh. I was kissed, patted, welcomed, accepted, and loved.

This is where I am now. I feel his every touch, his fingers in my hair, his warm breathing close to my cheek, his lips brushing my skin. I don't know why I have such a good notion of everything; all of it feels so real, so lifelike. Is it the truth, another memory world, heaven, a RPG? I don't know and I don't mind. As long as I am with him, all is well. Maybe regrets will come later... if there is a later. I don't have any notion of time, though. Maybe one day I will regret not having said goodbye to my mother. Of leaving my friends behind, hurting them by not saying goodbye either but simply leave. I will never see Anzu dance again; I will never see Jounouchi stuff his face again. I will never see my jii-chan or kaa-san ever again. I will never know how much they cried, how much they hate me for leaving them, how much they will think of me, if they ever will...

How could I ever live without my other half, the other half of my very soul? How could I ever live with myself if I had let him go? I would have been killing myself slowly, but steadily. He taught me so much, and I gave so much in return; but we both knew it was not enough. Not enough to live. We could only be together like this. That is why I stepped through the gate. That is why I was holding his hand. From the moment I put the last piece of the Puzzle together, I was dying. Dying to be with him, for now, for ever, for eternity. Letting him go through the gate, alone… would have left me without a soul. Without a will to live. I would have died without him, and I wanted to die to be with him.

They say life is made out of choices. That life is nothing but choices. From the simple choice between eggs or sausage or both for breakfast, to the greater choices in life: which study to follow, which career, getting married or not, children or not, taking care of your parents...

There is always a choice. That much is for certain. Always. A. Choice.

My choice was to be with him. In one second, I chose death.

How could I ever live without my other half, the other half of my very soul?

Simple.

I couldn't.

Not ever.

Not for one second.


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